An aside – Dickish things to say to mothers

Inspired by, dedicated to and somewhat stolen from – the Thursday Group. You are all amazing and are among the strongest people I’ll ever meet.

Pardon the profanities

1) Sleep when the baby sleeps.

Riiiiiiight. I fucking would if I could bloody put it down without it screaming like a bitch! Like, I can’t even sit down without it howling… you expect me to sleep!?

2) Enjoy the newborn cuddles – stolen from C.

No. You enjoy the newborn cuddles. Seriously here, take my child. Keep it. Now who’s laughing!?

3) Don’t forget to enjoy it, it goes so quickly.

Yeah. Sorry, that must have slipped my mind whilst I was trying to get this leech to latch onto my nipple correctly whilst in a rugby ball hold, using a pillow that said it made breastfeeding comfortable but actually won’t fit around my postpartum waist. 18 times a day.

4) It makes it all worthwhile when they smile at you.

Ok. How about I punch you in the face and then smile to make it worthwhile. Actually, yes. Please. That would make me feel so much better.

5) Don’t you just love that newborn scent?

Regurgitated milk and meconium. Ooh yum.

6) The night feeds are such a special time where it’s just the two of you.

The night feeds are an awful time where I fantasize about being DEAD.

7) This is the best age – they’re so easy now.

Fuck you.

8) *My personal, most memorable* Ooh, you’ve still got quite a bump haven’t you!

No words needed, this one speaks for itself. (Sorry, S.R., I had to include it.)

I love my children, really, I do. But I hate being told to love them and how to love them. I’ve got the greatest thing in the world, and I appreciate that so much. I’ll be forever grateful that I was given the opportunity to be a mother. But often sometimes, motherhood is shit. And I’d appreciate everyone taking a moment to consider that, before spinning a cliche to a sleep-deprived, tearful, hormonal mother who just needs you to take the baby whilst she showers for the first time that week.


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